"I Made a Different Choice"

I have a four-year-old son. Donavan would have turned four years old this year in October. But we did not blow out any birthday candles.

I killed my son four years ago, when I was 18, by having an abortion. I thought then it was my only choice, my only way out of a very painful situation. What I did not understand at that time was that my "choice" was truly my child, my baby.

Everything started when I went to a party at a friend's house, and spiraled downhill from there. As the night at the party went on, men kept offering me drinks, and I finally decided to accept one. What I did not know was that there was more than just beer in the glass - - someone had added a drug. Soon after finishing the drink I lost consciousness, and then kept falling in and out of consciousness for moments at a time. That night I was raped by three men.

Three months later, I still had not gotten my period. I assumed it was because of all the stress the rapes had put me through. But I was pregnant, and I panicked. I was so afraid to tell someone because I just knew that I would be turned away. I had not told anyone about the rapes because I had been so ashamed, so I thought no one would believe how I had gotten pregnant. It seemed clear to me then that abortion was the only option that I had - - in fact, I made it the only option available. So three months into my pregnancy, I killed my own child.

I realize that I am among an extremely small percentage of women who have abortions because of rape. I also realize that many people feel abortion is justified in the case of rape, that abortion is an answer. I want to tell you that it is not.

Killing an innocent victim does nothing to "solve" the violent crime of rape. I have learned this in the most painful way possible. Rape is an awful thing for any woman to go through, but instead of salvaging the one good thing, the beautiful, innocent son, that came out of my awful experience, I added one tragedy on top of another. Now I deal with both the rape and the abortion.

Since I made the "choice" to abort, I think about it still every day, and it is something that will never go away. And this isn't just because I became pregnant through rape. Abortion is the same no matter how your child is conceived, and every mother that undergoes it is vulnerable to this pain. There is nothing that would make me happier than to wrap my arms around my child, to show off baby pictures, to see the so many firsts in a young child's life, and most of all to be able to teach him the love and mercy of God. I wish I knew then what I know now about what abortion really does, but no amount of wishing can bring my baby back. Since the time of the rape and abortion, God has healed me in many ways from the pain and hurt. I still think about it constantly, but do not dwell upon it. I know that I can bring a lot of good out of that experience by trying to help others with what I know to be the truth. One of the greatest gifts we have is life - - love and cherish it! By reading my story, I hope that you will have the strength to make a better decision for yourself and your baby, one that you will never regret.

"Gemma," New York