"I Chose Adoption."

Hi. My name is Annie H., and I am a "birthmother." My son was conceived during my first semester of college, as I was studying pre-med and running cross-country; naive, sure that "it-can't-happen-to-me." Shortly after breaking up with "Bob," I began to fear I was pregnant. Later, my roommate accompanied me to Birthright of Memphis for a pregnancy test. Sure enough, I was seven weeks along. I was in shock; I was a "good" person - - and I was pregnant.

Ironically, when I started having sex with Bob, I knew that if I got pregnant, I would choose adoption. I realized that I needed to place my baby for adoption, not just for myself, but for the baby - - my baby, the living, growing person that was being created in me. I knew there were other options: keeping the baby, or abortion, which I have opposed since "teenhood": there was no way I was going to violently kill my baby for my personal temporary comfort. As for raising him myself, I feared that as a single parent I just couldn't be enough. Bob was out of the picture, and although he knew I was pregnant, he denied his involvement, and we haven't spoken since.

End of semester, and I moved home, started community college, and started on the road to adoption. At first I felt like a "flunkie," but that semester I met many wonderful people who walked me down a path I don't think I could have crawled down alone. Meanwhile, I started meeting with a social worker at Catholic Charities to talk about all the emotional, social, and legal ramifications of placing a baby for adoption.

There were some dark moments, too, like when my mom and I fought or when Bob's mother tried to scare me out of adoption. One day, I was discussing my baby's future with a friend when a co-worker walked up and added, "If you're going to give your baby away, why didn't you just have an abortion?" I don't remember if I could even speak, but those words still bring a sour taste to my mouth. She was talking about my baby, my son, who bruised my ribs with his kicking, had the hiccups at least once a day, who kept me alive to keep him alive.

I cannot express the exuberance of feeling new life growing within you. I first felt the baby kicking at four months. FOUR MONTHS! What a miracle.

And I could not believe the number of wonderful couples who sent me letters, wanting to adopt my baby! Eventually I picked my roommate's oldest sister and her husband to be my baby's family. They were more wonderful than I could've imagined, providing support, encouragement, and a joyful ear to discuss the baby's growth. Together, we dreamed up the life for "our" son. One fun night we stayed up late, brainstorming names for "our" baby. The time went so quickly - - and before we knew it, his birthday had arrived. At 10:42 p.m., I gave birth to the most beautiful baby to ever join this world. His mom says I decided on his name, but I don't really remember - - I was too excited to finally meet this person growing inside me.

The next morning I retrieved my son from the hospital nursery, to bid him farewell. I laid him next to me, wrapped myself around him, and just looked at my perfect, beautiful baby.

I don't know how to describe the emptiness I felt when my son and I went our separate ways. Many people told me to think about it as if he had died, but he hadn't died. He was alive, living a wonderful life that I had given him. Although my heart ached some, it could never have ached like the ache of sacrificinig an unborn life to abortion. I cannot imagine the pain, grief, guilt, and hollowness that would cause a woman. With the comfort of knowing that I had done the right thing, the best thing for my son, life slowly started to get back to normal, and my heart began its slow process of piecing itself back together. I resumed classes, began running again, and rejoined the choir. I am now a 25-year-old medical professional. But don't be disillusioned - - my life will never be the same.

I have visited my son a few times since then. He is six now, still so beautiful, and so smart and talented. We exchange pictures and a card every Christmas, so I KNOW this. Although some of the feelings of letting my baby go remains, I think it's okay, because that is part of what I have left of my son. But moreover, I have the joy and pride of knowing that I gave my beautiful, smart, loving son the best life I could, a stable family life with a mommy and a daddy, and everything he could ever need. And no one will ever take that away from me.

Annie, North Carolina