It Must Be OK - Its Legal, But Will God Forgive Me?

By Georgette Fornay & Dana Henry
National Organization of Episcopalians for Life

How does a woman, or a girl make the decision to abort her baby?

Georgette: As I drove down Interstate 96 on my way to work in late September I remember thinking to myself, It must be okay, after all it's legal, but why do I feel so uneasy about this? I was 16 years old at the time and I didn't know God so I prayed to my grandfather who had died six months earlier, "Please help me, I can't have this baby, no one will want to marry me, I can't take care of it, everyone will know I'm not a good girl. Please forgive me."

Dana: I was a Christian, a volunteer youth leader, and my father was senior warden on the vestry at our evangelical, pro-life, Episcopal Church. Good girls from our church did not get drunk at college, have sex, and get pregnant. I did not have the courage to come home with the news of my pregnancy and risk disappointing my family and my church. I was so ashamed and disgusted with myself. I developed tunnel vision - - I just needed to solve my "problem," and abortion was my quick-fix solution. The consequences of looking bad, of admitting to my sin were too much to deal with. It was so much easier to just make it all go away. I told the father of my unborn child that I had decided to have an abortion, and he agreed to split the cost with me. I used my Christmas money. He never tried to talk me out of the abortion, although it was his child too.

What thought process does she go through to conclude that having an abortion is the best solution to her problem: an unwanted, unplanned pregnancy? If the girl is young, it is especially difficult because she is used to thinking only of short-term future concerns. The role of motherhood seems foreign and ill fitting.

For some, the choice to abort isn't really a choice but a way to deal with the threat of what she'll lose if she has her baby. Parents threaten eviction, boyfriends threaten to leave, both threaten withdrawal of love, so she must choose between people she loves or a child that she perceives threatens those relationships. If she is older, a baby threatens her college plans, career opportunities, or financial security.

The decision to have an abortion focuses on the woman, but the father of the baby can positively or negatively influence the decision. Many women want the father of the baby to be a knight in shining armor and save her (and the child) from going to the clinic. But an attitude and unspoken message of back off, this is my decision will short circuit the dream. The cultural message men get says they can't tell a woman what to do with her body, so they often remain silent.

The decision is made, now what?

Georgette: Going into the clinic that morning my heart was numb. I refused to let myself think about what I was doing. During the examination I was informed that I was further along than I thought, and I had better do it today, before it was too late. They offered me a pill to relax me, but said if I took it I couldn't change my mind. When my turn came to go into the room I remember wanting to turn and run, but it was too late, I had taken the medicine. I laid on the table with my feet in the stirrups and the doctor came in. I don't remember him but I remember the loud sound of the machine. It sounded like a big vacuum, which is what it is. When they shut the machine off, the nurse walked by me holding a container. I asked her if that was my baby. She said don't worry, relax dear. Tears streamed out of my eyes as I fell into a dreamy sleep. I could hear noises in the room but I couldn't move. I laid there a long time, and it was dark when I came to, and they told me to dress and go home. I left and went to my sister's house for the weekend. I remember laying in bed that night feeling lost, alone, and empty.

Dana: The father of my baby drove me to the clinic. He sat in the waiting room for three hours all alone. The people at the clinic were very nice. I gave them all false information about myself because I was terrified that they would somehow tell my parents about this choice I was making. The counselor at the clinic, sensing my shame and fear, said to me, "Are you sure that you want to go through with this?" God had given me a way out, but I didn't take it. I began to weep as the doctor inserted the needle into my cervix, and the nurse next to me held my hand. I sat up during the abortion and told the doctor to stop, I had changed my mind. He told me that he was halfway through and it was too late. I had killed my baby. It was horrible and painful. As I left through the back door of the clinic, they handed me packs of birth-control pills. It was finished.

When the Supreme Court took pity on "Jane Roe" and said she had a right to decide whether or not she wanted to be pregnant, do you think any of the justices thought about the procedure to end a pregnancy? This comment by Frederica Mathewes-Green captures society's solution of abortion: "We advised her, 'Go have this operation and you'll fit right in.' What a choice we made for her. She climbs onto a clinic table and endures a violation deeper than rape - - the nurse's hand is wet with her tears - - then is grateful to pay for it, grateful to be adapted to the social machine that rejected her when pregnant. And the machine grinds on, rejecting her pregnant sisters." But will God forgive me?

Georgette: When I woke up the next morning I decided to pretend the day before hadn't happened, it was just a bad dream and I refused to let myself think about what I had done. I stayed that way for 19 years except when I became a Christian six years later. I asked God to forgive me for my sins, but I knew in my heart I had committed the one sin that is unforgivable, I killed my own child. So my relationship with God was limited because I knew I was unforgivable. I continued living day to day in denial except I would feel guilt when I heard the word abortion and on Sanctity of Life Sunday.

Dana: After the abortion I went back to my dorm and I was convinced that I was going to bleed to death. I deserved it. Nobody knew what was going on; I was all alone. I sat in the stairwell of my dorm, just weeping and weeping - - that was the only time I grieved. After that, I pretended I was fine while inside I carried my pain. No one knew my secret I was able to sit through Sanctity of Life Sunday at church and agree that all women who had abortions were murderers of the worst kind. I asked God to forgive me for my abortion every day - - but I wasn't able to receive his forgiveness, I kept waiting for him to punish me. I knew I would never be able to forgive myself.

Women were made to nurture life. Once she is pregnant, she is a mother whether she acknowledges it or not, and the decision to end that life inside her will always (if she is honest with herself) cause her to question the moral and spiritual implications of her decision. The good news is that the answer is yes, God does forgive!

But accepting that forgiveness is the hard part. Only when women are encouraged to mourn and grieve the loss of their children can we begin to accept forgiveness and forgive ourselves. We had surgery, but we've never begun the healing process until we finally let the truth of our abortion set us free.

Now, God has forgiven us! We have mourned our children, we've named them, we have forgiven ourselves and we have learned the power of grace and mercy. Everyday Dana and I regret our decisions to abort Sarah and Elizabeth, but we are grateful for the promise of seeing them in heaven.

Dana and I decided to share our stories to put a face on the reality of abortion. We want everyone to know that even though abortion is legal, and God does forgive, it's not OK.

Editor's note. This essay is reprinted from Choose Life, a publication produced by NRLC's Department of Outreach.